20210922W Day 631: Holding the Tension between the Head and the Heart


It’s been a few days since returning from a 9 day road trip with Zae. We learned we can travel together in a free flowing state. Zae is very much in the moment. She is more free flowing than me and being with her gives me a taste of what it might be like for other’s to be with me when I’m in a free flowing state. I often would be planning ahead when she would interject “Do we need to decide that now?”. We were 4 hours from Austin, and 1 hour from checking out of the camper we had rented for the night when she asked “Can we stay another night?”. As in many cases before, I found myself quickly scanning the set of universes around me and focusing on the two major sets – staying or leaving – and feeling into my body as I resonated with the energy of each set. Being so close, time wise, to the two sets of universes did give me a stronger body sensation of each set of universes. This is one thing I learned from the trip, that while it is possible to quantum sense multiple futures that are days, weeks, months, or years away, it is easier to quantum sense multiple futures when they are minutes or hours away. A related corollary is that the larger the differences in the two sets of universes, the stronger the difference in feeling it will have in my body when I’m quantum sensing each set of universes.

Artwork created from our to go boxes from Pasta Cafe Italian Bistro, Roswell, NM, Sept. 14, 2021

Our trip started out with a long drive to Roswell, NM, on Sept. 8, 2021. Along the way, we were talking about “would of, could of, should of” and how that really doesn’t serve us, and how we have both come to this point in the present moment from different paths and experiences. We then saw this church sign on the side of the road with the message “It is not where you’ve been, but where you are going”. Of course, there are lots of different messages in these words. The message we heard was to live fully in the present moment.


We continued our drive, making a few rests stops along the way, but still on the road at sunset.

Sunset on drive to Roswell, NM, Sept. 8, 2021

We got in late and checked into the Day’s Inn. Feeling hungry, we almost ordered takeout from the nearby Pasta Cafe, but for some reason decided not to. It was a bit synchronistic that we ended up eating at the same Pasta Cafe on the way back home a week later, having the spaghetti with home made meat balls and the green chili alfredo, and then driving back later for chocolate cake dessert.

We decided to skip the first day of the festival and camp at Orvis Hot Springs in Ridgway, CO. On Friday, we took our time driving to the festival, stopping to enjoy the beautiful mountain scenery.

Painter near Ridgway, CO, Sept. 10, 2021

The festival was at Tico Time Resort at the northern border of New Mexico. When we got there, the performers were testing their equipment and most people were cooling off in the river running through the property.

Main Stage, Tico Time Resort, Unison Festival, Sept. 11, 2021
SUP Acro Yoga, Unison Festival, Tico Time Resort, Sept. 11, 2021
Scott Nice set, Unison Festival, Tico Time Resort, Sept. 11, 2021

We decided against camping at the festival and instead stayed at a hotel nearby in Aztec, NM, the Presidential Suites – one of the few hotels allowing pets. The double queen bed room was the one we ultimately found to be the most roomy and comfortable for both of us. I found myself drawn to one of the books that Zae brought with her, “The Little Book of Stoicism”, by Jonas Salzgeber.

The Little Book of Stoicism, by Jonas Salgeber

In reading the book on Stoicism, I understand now that Stoicism is not about the suppression of emotion, which seems to be a common assumption. Even the google definition #1 says “the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.” The second definition is only slightly better, still stressing an indifference to pleasure and pain:

Stoicism: an ancient Greek school of philosophy founded at Athens by Zeno of Citium. The school taught that virtue, the highest good, is based on knowledge; the wise live in harmony with the divine Reason (also identified with Fate and Providence) that governs nature, and are indifferent to the vicissitudes of fortune and to pleasure and pain.

Google definition from https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/

What I came to believe from reading a few pages, is that Stoicism is about being present with, and not possessed by, our natural emotions, however strongly they are. For instance, on our road trip, there were a few times when I felt very strong emotions. I want to encourage myself to feel these emotions, and feel the debts of these emotions, and be present with them as they move through my body. Even if I am feeling emotions based on grieving the perceived loss of a future possibility, or an unrealized expectation, these emotions are valid and I want to feel them fully. However, I don’t want to have those emotions take me down a rabbit hole of depressions that affects the rest of my trip. I want to observe them as they pass through my body and know that by being present with them, and feeling them as if in meditation, that they will not remain stuck in my body.

Some quotes on Stoicism from wikipedia seem relevant to post here:

The universe itself is God and the universal outpouring of its soul; it is this same world’s guiding principle, operating in mind and reason, together with the common nature of things and the totality that embraces all existence; then the foreordained might and necessity of the future; then fire and the principle of aether; then those elements whose natural state is one of flux and transition, such as water, earth, and air; then the sun, the moon, the stars; and the universal existence in which all things are contained.

Chrysippus, in Cicero, De Natura Deorum, i. 39

Constantly regard the universe as one living being, having one substance and one soul; and observe how all things have reference to one perception, the perception of this one living being; and how all things act with one movement; and how all things are the cooperating causes of all things that exist; observe too the continuous spinning of the thread and the structure of the web.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, iv. 40

This quote from wikipedia on Stoicism seems consistent with the model I use for universe surfing:

Stoic theology is a fatalistic and naturalistic pantheism: God is never fully transcendent but always immanent, and identified with NatureAbrahamic religions personalize God as a world-creating entity, but Stoicism equates God with the totality of the universe; according to Stoic cosmology, which is very similar to the Hindu conception of existence, there is no absolute start to time, as it is considered infinite and cyclic. Similarly, the space and Universe have neither start nor end, rather they are cyclical. The current Universe is a phase in the present cycle, preceded by an infinite number of Universes, doomed to be destroyed (“ekpyrōsis“, conflagration) and re-created again,[27] and to be followed by another infinite number of Universes. Stoicism considers all existence as cyclical, the cosmos as eternally self-creating and self-destroying (see also Eternal return).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism, Sept. 22, 2021

This quote also resonates with my own personal spirituality:

A distinctive feature of Stoicism is its cosmopolitanism; according to the Stoics, all people are manifestations of the one universal spirit and should live in brotherly love and readily help one another.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism, Sept. 22, 2021

Back to the trip, we stopped at Echo Pavilion where Zae played the ukulele and had a photo shoot.

On the way back to Austin, we stopped at the Inn at the Delta. Before we checked out, we discussed staying another night but due to not being in a very Stoic state, our emotions led us to get on the road. Later, after our emotions calmed, we both regretted the decision as it was quite a nice place to stay. Maybe we will return another day.

Inn at the Delta, Room #5

We made our way back to Roswell for the night and in the morning went to Bottomless Lakes State Park. Olli was living his herd dog instincts to protect us from the dangers of the deep.

Bottomless Lakes State Park, Sept. 15, 2021

We did another photo shoot before getting back on the road towards Austin.

Somewhere outside Roswell, NM, Sept. 15, 2021

We found a camper for the night in Garden City, TX, which is where we hung our artwork shown at the beginning of this blog post. Upon checkout, we decided last minute to stay another night even though we were only 4 hours from Austin. It felt relaxing to have a “free day” to not be on the road and was a reminder to me to insert rest days into my future road trips.

On the way home, we stopped at a park in Eden as we did at the beginning of our road trip.

Park in Eden, Sept. 17, 2021

I’m noticing a desire to be a bit more public in posting pictures from my trip. To date, I’ve kept posts absent of personal pictures and details. I can sense that in the future, I do post without these restrictions.

Head versus heart – my head says that our trip was quite perfect in all ways – healing, grounding, free flowing, intimate, loving, romantic in a friendship way and centered in the universe with which I feel most alignment and seems most aligned with Zae’s wishes. My heart feels desire for more romance, deeper intimacy, and an attachment to limitless possibilities of future growth together with Zae.

20210903F Day 612: Depletion, Tears, Rebirth, and 2.49 mile run


Dog Beach Rebels at Flamingo Cantina, September 3, 2021, Austin, Texas

Yesterday, a couple of my friends, A&Z, and I celebrated a birthday. We shopped, ate, danced, and satisfied our sweet tooth craving with some ice creme on Congress. We had quite a bit of fun and kept celebrating until midnight. By the end of the night, I was feeling quite depleted as I dropped them off at their car. I started crying, which is rare for me. They asked what was wrong, and I didn’t have the words. All I could gain access to was my feeling of depletion in terms of my ability to give and a strong desire to receive accompanied by a belief that A&Z were also feeling depleted and unable to give right now either. I’m not used to feeling depleted. Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in I don’t remember how long.

In the morning, I awoke with some clarity. During dinner, one of my friends had been talking about their recent breakup and how hard it was to not be in intimate connection with their ex-partner. I had had a similar conversation with another friend earlier in the day at Barton Springs. The energy of both of these conversations was resonating within me at the end of the night and I was subconsciously feeling my own sadness that I was no longer in communication with my ex-beloved, Yana. It required me sleeping on this to realize this in the morning. I never really grieved the end of my relationship with Yana, although she has been on my mind the last 3 months that we have been out of connection. It felt like last night I was able to grieve, and also able to feel deeply my sadness and express these emotions. While difficult for me, I welcomed my tears.

This morning, I felt gratitude, strength, and optimism that I now have an enhanced ability to feel and express my emotions, especially ones of sadness which I have tended to avoid in the past. I felt reborn. I wondered what else might be different in this new universe in which I awoke. I decided to run for the 5th time since I started running again. My first run, I had run 2 miles in 20 minutes. My best run so far was my 3rd run at 2.31 miles in 20 minutes and 20 seconds. This morning, I shattered that record and ran 2.49 miles in 20:22. I’ve set a horizon goal of running 3 miles in 20:20, which is my lifetime fastest time that I ran in 1980.

20210828S Day 606: An evening of synchronicities


Last night was a reminder to trust the universe. During the afternoon, I co-working at OPA’s with Z. We took some photos of a kitten there.

Kitten at OPA’s Coffee and Wine, August 27, 2021, Austin, TX

After Z left, I ran into my friends D&B, then ventured to silent disco on Congress and saw V and her daughter X, decided to stroll down Congress solo and caught the end of the The Blues Specialists’ set at the Continental Club. As I was leaving, D&B were there looking for some live music.

The Blues Specialists at the Continental Club, August 27, 2021, Austin, TX

We parted ways, walking different sides of Congress. I took the long way and made it into Guero’s Oak Garden just before D&B walked in.

The Jon Blondell Project, Guero’s Taco Bar, August 27, 2021, Austin, TX

I noticed a woman at Guero’s Taco Bar. She was there with her dog. We ended up sitting at the same table and started talking. Mandy & I closed down Guero’s and then also June’s afterwards. The entire evening, including meeting Mandy, would definitely fit into the category of unexpected events. If the hypothesis that events have equal amounts of connectedness to past and future holds, then the events last night are strongly connected to the future. So for both of us, in our own timelines, the events of last night will likely have significance when viewed backwards in time from our own futures. Our drink toast at June’s was to Mandy’s hopefully successful closing on her condo. It felt to me like we were toasting a future that had already occurred.

Yesterday, I also randomly noticed (via social media) that my friend Cindy, who I had met in Santa Cruz a few years, was in town. I messaged her and we may meet up today. I’m noticing that universes in which Yana and I are still together are nearby. My friend Katie told me earlier today that she had left a sweet message with Yana yesterday inviting her to move in with her. It’s a just over 3 months since Yana and I have spoken and I miss her dearly.

20210124u Day 390: Personal Observations

2021-0124u-1200 Austin, TX

I wasn’t planning to write today. Something seems to be bubbling up and I’m not sure what it is. I hope that by writing my thoughts down now, whatever it is will reveal itself.

I just got off the phone with my beloved. We had a somewhat heated discussion about white privilege due to my not accepting my beloved’s belief in the importance that white privilege has played in benefiting me throughout my life. We found common ground in agreeing that racism exists in the world and the world would be better if it did not. We also agreed that many white people have benefited from white privilege. We also agreed that I have also benefited from white privilege. However, we disagreed as to the extent that white privilege played a role. I believe that the vast majority of my personal achievements would have been possible regardless of my race or skin color. I even believe that there’s a chance I may have benefited additionally as a minority due to affirmative action programs in existence during my education and early career. As I type this however, I’m becoming aware of certain times in which I felt “blessed”, or lucky, and I’m wondering now if my luck was due to the color of my skin, or my race, or being male, or some other discriminatory factor. I have to admit that there were times in my life that I have received large benefits and have not really been able to logically explain or understand from where these benefits came. I can accept the possibility that white privilege, male privilege, religious privilege, or some other privilege was a larger factor than I have previously believed.

Before my heated discussion, I watched a few videos – a press briefing from the new white house administration, and a couple videos on financial bubbles forming due to the easy money flowing through the system in response to the COVID-19 pandemic. I was pleased to hear Dr. Fauci present a reality that felt in alignment with the reality I believe to be true. I especially liked when he answered a question by saying he didn’t know the answer and that the Biden administration was adopting a policy of only answering questions for which there is a known answer – not making something up on the spot just to have an answer. For the financial videos, I was glad to see Dr. Ron Paul doing well on Kitco news and still promoting liberty, reduced government and sound monetary policy. I’m attracted to him because he does not pledge allegiance to either political party and has a consistent set of beliefs. I don’t agree with all of his beliefs, but at least I can follow his logic when he explains why he holds them. One of the other videos was an interview by Bloomberg news of an individual who seemed to be reading a prepared statement warning Robinhoodlers and Stonks purchasers that one day the FED will not come to their rescue.

Also, today, like every day this year, I had a conversation with my Aunt who is on the board of directors of my condo HOA. At the end of 2020, like a final kick in the ass, our HOA found out that our management company had been stealing our money for the last 5 years and that we were broke with over $30K in debt. I’m now in a universe in which I’m working full-time helping our HOA get back on it’s feet. I hope to use this full-time effort I’m putting forth to tunnel to a universe in which I’m putting in similar effort towards something meaningful AND also getting paid for it.

What are the chances? I just checked to see what was happening on Nov 1, 2016, the day that $25K was moved from the HOA money market to checking. The next day another $25K was moved and then all $50K was moved out of our control to another HOA. This was Election Day 2016! The same time period when most people around the world felt a huge shift from the normal time line to a very unexpected time line. The conclusion of this fraudulent activity ended about the same time that Trump left office. What are the chances? Synchronicity.

20201212S Day 347: Has it really been 150 days since I last blogged?


My Tarot draw tonight at my Aunt’s birthday party

Today was an early celebration of my Aunt’s 75th birthday. I cooked a frittata with onions, roasted garlic, spinach, chicken sausage, broccoli, shiitake mushrooms, cooked sweet potato, and feta. This was our breakfast, along with mimosas. Her daughter and son-in-law joined.

I then snuck in a trip to Barton Springs. The cold water and the hot sunlight combined to make a enjoyable experience. As I walked in, I remembered that I needed a mask. I had no idea where my mask was. I normally keep it in my car. I didn’t want to walk all the way back to my car and so I imagined the universe in which I forgot to put it back in my car and it was instead in the bag that I used the last time I came to Barton Springs. I unzipped the bag pocket and reached inside with about 90% confidence and found myself 10% surprised that the mask was there! I then walked back to the gate and had my temperature checked while I signed my name and phone number in case I needed to be contact traced due to any covid exposures that day. There were two cups of pens – clean and dirty. I asked if I could use one of the “dirty” pens and, after getting a “whichever you prefer” answer, I signed my name with one of the dirty pens and put it back in the dirty pen cup. There were only about 5 people swimming laps in the pool and about 30 people sun bathing. I almost didn’t go to Barton Springs because I was planning to go the next day. I just now checked the weather and tomorrow looks like rain – so I will likely not go tomorrow. That also means no ecstatic dance under the monkey tree.

Speaking of ecstatic dance under the monkey tree, there was a planned dance last wed there which only lasted a few minutes before it stopped by the police who said that a permit was needed. I had wanted to go to it, but changed my mind at the last minute. I wondered how much the future shutdown had on my feeling of my mind changing. I have been using a framework of bi-directional time in which cause and effect and proceed in both directions of time. It helps me to understand why I might decide not to go to a dance that is later canceled. Who wants to go to a dance that is canceled? Actually, I kinda wish I had gone now.

It’s been a wild 150 days since I last blogged. My experience has been one of imagining two different sets of universes continuing to collide. This is how I understand why about 25% of the U.S. population believes that Trump not only won the presidential election, but that Trump will be staying on as president for a second term.

Speaking of politics, today I had a wish that Biden (in the 75% of universes around us in which he becomes the next U.S. President) establishes the “Biden doctrine of bi-partisanship”, which becomes a doctrine for the foreseeable future. In this doctrine, Biden uses the power of the pocket veto to send a clear message that he will only sign bi-partisan legislation. Any bills arriving on his desk which are voted closely along party lines would just sit in a stack. Only bills with at least 20% or so support from the minority party would be considered. A byproduct of the Biden Doctrine would be that the centrist in each party would gain power at the expense of the extremists. A new power block would be created, which would slowly (over 50+ years or so) lead to the formation of a third “Centrist” party.

In other news, I deleted Twitter from my phone a couple days ago. This was surprising easy to do and definitely life changing – having an immediate effect reducing the amount of time I spend on my phone. While I did compensate a bit by surfing on Facebook instead, Facebook has never really grabbed my attention and so I’m now in a space where I have extra time. I credit the deletion of Twitter for having time and energy to begin writing blog posts again.

The Tarot card reading that I received tonight also motivated me, along with a text from J about the Geminid meteor shower tomorrow night on the date of the new moon. Now I just need a dark place from which to view it!

20200715W Day 197: Soulmates – Sensual, Emotional, Intellectual, Sexual, and Spiritual


I’m still on a high from a sweet, impromptu dinner party last night with a friend and her daughter that I haven’t seen or connected with since before the pandemic. I decided to text her yesterday and she video called me right back, which led to a dinner at my place with my Aunt also. As she came to the door, I pondered inviting her in only for a split second as I felt the energy in my body. My brain quickly did a calculation from my energy that this was a “four 9” interaction, meaning that 99.99% chance all would be ok and no coronaviruses would be spreading around in my house. She asked if I wanted a hug, and consistent with the odds, I gave her a nice long hug.

We then went to the pool and swam and talked. I shared some of the thoughts on long-term relationships that have been swirling around my brain lately. As I shared with her, I now share with you…

Many people often talk about finding their soulmate, which is often described as someone with whom they want to spend the rest of their life, and beyond. Those who have found their soulmate are envied by many who have not. One’s soulmate is assumed to be very rare with some people believing that each person has only one soulmate for them. Others believe perhaps there are only a handful of soulmates on the Earth for them. On the other extreme are people who believe in an unlimited number of soulmates, and also people who disbelieve in the very concept of a soulmate.

To investigate the question of soulmates, I thought it would be helpful to dig into the different ways in which people feel a “soulmate” type of connection.

  1. Sensual Soulmates – Two people can have an attraction to one another that occurs purely through their senses. Often, but not always, the first sense by which we know someone is through sight. We see them in person, or a video, or even a photo, and feel an immediate attraction. When we see them move, our eyes follow their movement. A second common sense we use to detect our sensual soulmate is smell. How someone smells to us affects how physical close we want to be with them. Related to smell is taste. While we don’t often going around tasting our friends, tasting our sexual partners does occur. Taste for friends would often be limited to sweet kisses on the mouth or cheek. Taste for lovers would include full body kisses. The fourth sense is audial. Hearing someone’s voice or their laugh can either annoy or entice us. And finally, the sense of touch is very important. This includes cuddling, holding hands, stroking each other’s bodies, running fingers through hair, and feeling the energy of someone while in close contact. The degree to which two people or sensual soulmates is determined by the degree that two people have a high compatibility with each of these five senses.
  2. Emotional Soulmates – When two people feel the freedom to share the fullness of their emotional expressions with each other, without judgement or constraint, then this is an indication that they are strong emotional soulmates.
  3. Intellectual Soulmates – When two people get excited by the intellectual workings of each other’s mind, then this is an indication that they are strong intellectual soulmates.
  4. Sexual Soulmates – When two people dance well together, enjoy each other’s flirting, are aroused by sexual stories, fantasies and invitations from each other, and have “best sex of my life” on a regular basis, then the degree to which these are true represents the degree to which the two people are sexual soulmates.
  5. Spiritual Soulmates – When two people have a similar view of the world, have similar values and beliefs around higher powers beyond the material world, feel stronger in their spiritual beliefs and connected to a higher power when in the presence of each other, then the degree to which these are present presents the degree to which the two people are spiritual soulmates.

I believe most people would agree that you can strongly feel one of these different soulmate type of connections without strongly feeling all of them. I think the popular notion that soulmates are rare comes from an expectation that all of these must be mutually strong in order for two people to be “soulmates”. I prefer a more abundant definition of soulmate in which a strong soulmate has strength in any one of these different soulmate types of connection.

I think it’s important to add that even a strong soulmate connection in all five of these does not mean that two people should get married and have lots of children. A strong soulmate connection is necessary, but not sufficient, for a long-term relationship of any sort.

20200515F Day 136: Mountain Biking Down Aptos Fire Road

Looking South to Rio Del Mar Beach, Aptos, CA – May 15, 2020 (Credit: SurfingTheUniverse.com)

20200515F Santa Cruz, CA – Today was a good exercise in feeling into the different universes around me in order to get to the one that I wanted. It was difficult to find the beginning of the biking trail where my brother was waiting. My brother had given me directions that led me and my beloved down a dirt road. Multiple times I felt like I was on the wrong road and wanted to back down the road or turn around whenever there was room. Each time, my beloved said “No, keep going so we can find your brother”, and I would continue. In the moment I continued, I believed I was on the right road but then shortly after I would lose faith again. I also had not really been excited about going mountain biking whereas my beloved was much more excited to go. It’s interesting to look back now and see how our different interest levels allowed us to be surrounded by a different number of universes.

It’s obvious to me now that my beloved was surrounded by more universes in which we did go mountain biking. This allowed her to more accurately feel whether or now we were on the correct road and should continue. She knew also if we turned around, we would be closer to the universe where we didn’t go mountain biking.

I’m glad that we eventually found my brother and family and friends. It was a fun ride down to the beach!

20191223M Day -8: Lady Bird Lake Reflections from Austin, Texas

Lady Bird Lake – Austin, TX – Dec 23, 2019 (Credit: SurfingTheUniverse.com)

20200515F Santa Cruz, CA: Back in December, I was in Austin. My beloved flew in for the holidays. We walked along Lady Bird Lake during the day. It was a beautiful sunny day.

Lady Bird Lake – Austin, TX – Dec 23, 2019 (Credit: SurfingTheUniverse.com)

Meanwhile, the press was reporting on how this flu season was turning out different than past flu seasons. I’m not sure who decided that the unusual flu season would be the focus of the news and medical press on this day. Here is an article that caught my eye:

Rare B Flu Strain Causing Early Surge This Season from passporthealthusa.com

Here are some quotes of interest:

Dave Osthus is a statistician and flu forecaster at Los Alamos National Laboratory. Osthus explained that the current “2019/20 season is already worse than three of the past 20 flu seasons ever were, and the worst part of the flu season—historically late December through early March—hasn’t happened yet.”

especially this one ending with “worst than imagined”:

Looking at the influenza trends, the CDC was able to publicize that the flu season has “about a 40% chance of a peak in late December, a 30% chance of a peak in January, and a 25% chance of a peak in February.” These numbers may change as the season continues, but the outcome will remain the same or even become worse than imagined.

Looking back in time, it was reported in May that the 2018-2019 flu season was also “unusual”:

The just-ended 2018-2019 flu season was relatively mild compared to the last season, during which nearly 80,000 people in the U.S. died of flu-related illness.

The 2018-2019 season has been unusual, though, because the flu came in two waves: one that peaked at the end of December, and a second that peaked in early March.

It seems that “unusual” flu seasons will be the usual for the foreseeable future.


20200510u Day 131: Happy Mother’s Day – Selected Poetry from my Mom

I talked to my Mom on Mother’s Day. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful Mother who taught me to view the world through a lens of innocence and acceptance. I found some poetry that she wrote. Here are a few of her short poems that spoke to me now.

This morning she woke up married
Tonight she will go to bed a widow
A whole life changed by a single day
A whole family changed by a single hour
A heart that stopped
A life gone
A father, a husband
made now only of memories

These two short one seems quite relevant:

Dear God,

If there’s anyone down here who can stop this madness,
please talk to that person quick.

Why is it we learn too late
the knowledge we need to know

and these two speak about my feelings as we come out of shelter-in-place:


Freedom–we live it
But we really haven’t tasted it
Not like the people of East Berlin
They know the true taste of freedom
They are drinking it now
November 9, l989


I have learned how to live
And I’ve learned how to give
And I’ve learned how to smile
with the sun
I’ve learned how to walk
Without you by my side
And I have even learned how to run
But now, what I want to do
Is put on my hiking shoes
And do you see those mountains way out there
I want to aim for the sun
And climb them one by one
And feel the wind clouds touch my hair

and finally, some thoughts for this year:


Let this be the year
I learn more than I ever did
Let this be the year
I keep silent and listen
Let this be the year
I let my pencil talk

20200504M Day 125: Happy 43rd Birthday Mike Schaupp – RIP and May the Force of your Spirit Live On

Michael Schaupp, also known by his musician name Jackson Danny, was born in Carmel County on May 4th, 1977.

Screen Shot 2020-05-04 at 12.25.25 PM

He was riding his 1996 Honda motorcycle northbound on Highway 17 around 1:25 pm, Dec 10th, 2013, when a woman driving a black 1994 Ford Explorer SUV made an illegal turn onto the highway and drove into his path. Schaupp hit the SUV and was thrown 20 feet across the roadway. He was taken to the hospital where he died of his injuries. The woman left the scene of the accident and abandoned the vehicle. Three months later, she turned herself in and was charged with a felony count of hit-and-run causing injury or death. The following song was played at her trial. It had been performed by Mike a few months before his death. The name of the song and the woman – Joline.

In the song, Mike changed the lyrics a bit. It is interesting to see the changes he made. Here are the lyrics as best I can reconstruct them – some changes of interest in bold from the original song by Dolly Parton. The “To never love again” change is in a stanza that is a mixture of two different stanzas.

Jolene … Jolene … Jolene … Jolene
I’m beggin you don’t take my man
Jolene … Jolene … Jolene … Jolene
Please don’t you take him can
Please don’t take him cuz you can


Your beauty is beyond compare
Flamin’ locks of auburn hair
Skin of ivory … eyes emerald green
Smile is like a breath of spring
Voice is like a summer rain
I cannot compete … Jolene

Jolene … Jolene … Jolene … Jolene
Beggin’ you, don’t take my man
Jolene … Jolene … Jolene … Jolene
Please don’t take him cuz you can
Please just take him cuz you can


And you could have your choice of men
To never love again
You don’t know what it means to me, Jolene
I had to have this talk with you now
My happiness depends on you
Whatever you decide, Jolene

Jolene … Jolene … Jolene … Jolene
I’m beggin’ you don’t take my man
Jolene … Jolene … Jolene … Jolene
Please don’t take him cuz you can
Please just take him cuz you can

Mike’s fatal accident was part of a story written by Jennifer Wadsworth for the July 8-15, 2015 edition of Metro, a local newspaper in San Jose, CA. The story was about Lupin Lodge, where Joline worked and/or lived at the time. For some reason, the original link for the story goes nowhere and there is a shorter version of the story. Here is an excerpt of the original story:

Michael Schaupp left Santa Cruz around midday Dec. 10, 2013, for a 2pm class at Ex’pression College in Emeryville. The 36-year-old father and design student had driven the same northward Highway 17 route countless times on his 1996 Honda VLX motorcycle. Drivers who shared the winding mountain road with him that day said he looked at ease, like an experienced rider. And he was.

But about a half-hour into his commute, a 1994 Ford Explorer shot out onto Highway 17 from Idylwild Drive in a southbound arc that cut off Schaupp and sent him hurtling to the shoulder, according to detailed reports by California Highway Patrol officers. A trail of blood plotted his trajectory. The Explorer’s 47-year-old driver, Joline Fay Cohen, scrambled out of the SUV just as another car pulled up to the scene.

Oh my God, I just killed that guy,” she told the witness, per the CHP. “Did you see him hit my car? What should I do?” Without waiting for an answer, she hopped back in the driver’s seat and drove away. A second witness pulled onto the shoulder and put a blanket on Schaupp, protecting him from the winter chill until help arrived.

A short distance north, Cohen, in a long black coat and dry dirty- blonde hair, left her car at Bear Creek Road and began walking along the shoulder, the collision report continues. Campbell resident Brandon Rohzen told police that he picked her up in his minivan, thinking she’d just got into a fender- bender and could use a lift. From the passenger seat, he said he remembers her calling Lupin’s office landline. “I hit somebody,” she shouted hysterically. “I think they might be dead.” Horrified, Rohzen slammed on the brakes and told her to get out of his car.

Schaupp died two days later at Stanford Hospital. Yet three full months passed before Cohen surrendered herself to authorities on hit-and-run charges that landed her in a Central Valley women’s prison.

Lupin residents claim Lori Kay harbored a fugitive during that time, leaving them no choice, they said, but to tip off CHP investigators to Cohen’s whereabouts. As a live-in assistant for several years to Lori Kay, Cohen ran errands, oversaw the main office and, according to CHP tipsters, had a reputation for smoking meth and driving erratically. Lupin management tried to distance itself from the damage, announcing online that the club had fired her as office employee before the crash. “She was allowed to stay because there are such thing as tenancy laws,” Lori Kay explained.

But the tragedy raised more questions about Lupin’s hiring practices. In an ongoing wrongful death lawsuit against Cohen, Schaupp’s mother, Denise, and 19-year-old son, Caleb, also name Lupin as a defendant. The Schaupp family attorneys claim that Cohen was acting “within the scope of her employment” while driving the
SUV and that Lupin is vicariously liable because it employed her “with knowledge of her history of reckless driving, erratic behavior and substance use.”


Obituary of Michael Carl Schaupp

Born in Carmel, CA Mikey: heart of lion, strength and steadfastness of a bull, playfulness of a laughing monkey, sensitivity and wisdom of an elephant, protective and nurturing as a mother bear, connected and ethereal as a spirit bird, and humble as a man. Born with big dark eyes and a deep gaze, Mikey often surprised others with his level of attentive observation as a baby. As a lil’ one, he loved the outdoors, preferring to sleep outside under the stars and up in his treehouse. A smile, soulful kind eyes, enduring loyalty and readiness to help were his tokens of friendship. His voice rang clear with passion, touching the core of life’s beauty, pain and mystery. With each song he wrote, he invited the possibility for a better world. Deeply embodied, he was a model for connection to one’s integrity and truth. His quick wit &amp; easy sense of humor were medicine to our hearts. He understood that life, love, and friendship were a fragile and important gift, and if nurtured and protected, could all be eternal. Your love Dana Schlick, mother, Denise Schaupp, and beloved son will together forever embody your energy. May your journey to the next life be filled with adventurous trails, beautiful music, freedom and so much love. You radiated in this world and you’ll shine as a star in the next. All who knew you were so blessed to have you for 13,373 days. Your embrace of love, friendship, and generosity will live on in our hearts, memories and in everything that we do. He lived the lyrics from his song To Live, may we do the same: To love my world, To give myself, To live and live and live. Memorial will be on the Winter Solstice, Saturday, December 21st, from noon to sunset, at Seymour Marine Discovery Center. Please bring your favorite dish to share, and something that withstands the elements that reminds you of him (rock, stone, wood- creativity welcomed!) for a collaborative memorial sculpture.